"I ain't gonna fear no pain,"

"I ain't gonna fear no pain anymore."

Well I just got out shower. Go figure. For those of you that don't know, I was in a wreck a couple weeks ago. I'm o.k., just a bruise from the seatbelt that's almost gone now. My car is pretty banged up, but not unrepairable. Shit happens sometimes, but life goes on and is not bad.

When I first thought back on the events leading up to the wreck, it interested me to think of the small events leading up to that moment. If one small thing changes, the whole event changes, or maybe altogether never happens. I guess I just got stuck on thinking about the butterfly effect and choas theory. It's an interesting theory which you should look into. Maybe evan watch the movie, too. It makes for an interesting discussion, but I digress.

So during my thoughts in the shower, my mind eventually settled on my wreck at some point, and then later on settled here, on this blog. And somehow, the two met. My last blog I guess I was stuck on waiting and wondering where I'm supposed to fit in this world. Low and behold, the very next day God sent a not so subtle sign that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now. In a wreck that could have very easily killed someone, He shined the light, headlights I guess, on the facts. I get it now. So I plan to stay on the path I'm on, no matter how unclear it may be.

"God won't do me wrong. God won't do me wrong, this I know."

"Jesus is my rock..."

"...and he rolls my blues away"

Why is waiting so hard sometimes? I would say for the most part, I don't mind waiting, and often times do it all to well (a.k.a. procrastination). But there are some occasions where I find myself constantly wanting to jump the gun, per say, find the end result, get whatever I'm gonna get. Buying things is where this is a good example of how I do this sometimes.

I am feeling that now in regards to going to seminary. I can feel it more and more everyday that I want to be a priest. The more I look into it, the more it seems like what I want to do with my life. Where most might find it weird to quite literally live in a church, I don't mind it at all. I think it has probably strengthened my convictions. As far as my undergrad degree is concerned, I am ready to pursue the priesthood. And as I try to look forward, plan out the next few years, at a certain point in the near future I hit the proverbial wall.

The process for becoming a priest in the Episcopal Church in Diocese of Alabama (and other Dioceses, I'm assuming) is a bit different. It's called the discernment process. To make a long story short, a lot of it is putting the decision in other people's hands. Through the priest and bishops and committees and all the other people that are talked to during this process, it seems sometimes that it just takes one of them to think that you're not "good enough," and the whole thing is over. You tell your story to all these people, and for some reason, they see that being a priest is probably not for you, which to me feels like I'm being told "Sorry, but you're not good enough." I don't know about you, but for me, being told that your dream may not be right for you would suck on a major level. Rationally thinking, I know that if I'm told that being a priest if not for me, most of my thoughts thus far are totally unjustified. Just because being a priest may not be right for me does not mean I'm a bad person. It doesn't mean that I fail at life, or that whoever made that decision is going to judge me. It still feels that way sometimes though. At least to me.

Discernment is a long process. Please keep me in your prayers as I continue my journey.

"Well Jesus gonna love you and baby that's a fact"

"A person's a person no matter how small."

Let me take a moment to advertise myself. To all you ladies out there, I am available and would like a girlfriend. Maybe a wife and kids someday, but don't worry, that won't be till down the road a little bit. I think it is something that is missing in my life. I've got great friends and loved ones all around me, but I can't seem to find that "special someone." It's kind of wierd, too, because I've had girls tell me something like "Man, you're going to make some girl truely happy someday." The only "problem," I guess you could say, is that the girls who have told me this are either relatives or older married women. Go figure. Now onto a soapbox.

What's the problem with gay people. Why does it seem that some people just cannot accept people being gay. Can true love only happen between a man and woman. For the record, I can say for a fact that I am not gay, just like I can say that I'm not black, or I'm not blind. It is what it is. I think in the next few years we will get over ourselves and worry about more important things, like fixing the Harry Potter movies, or trying hard to love one another every day.

For those of you who like to use the bible as a crutch, go to this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHaVUjjH3EI. It should prove that parts of the bible, sacred as it is, were written in a different time for a different group of people. Maybe some parts of the bible would be better treated like the pirates code. More like a set of guidelines instead of strict rules. I think the Episcopal Church is closer and closer every day to accepting gay people. From what I've heard, it's mainly the people at the top who are old church people who won't change anything, especially their view on gays.

As a side note, I have decide that I want to become an Episcopal, regardless of whether or not I become ordained.

That's for now. Happy Thanksgiving.

"C'mon guys, we're all mammals!"

"Your life is an occasion. Rise to it."

From Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium:

"When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written 'He dies.' That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is 'He dies.' It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with 'He dies.' And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words 'He dies,' but because of the life we saw prior to the words.
I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest 'He died.'"

If the story of Jesus was in a modern translation, I believe the words "He died" would be the best way to end Good Friday.

"He went to Paris..."

"...looking for answers to questions that bothered him so."

If I were to make a list things I truly despise, there are two thing I know for certain I could tell you about it. First, it would be fairly short, and second, being sick would be towards the top. I am going to try to find a decent doctor soon to shake this cold so I won't be mad at it any more.

So this past weekend was Fall College Conference at Camp McDowell, and it was fun. It is one of the few times I have been able to have fun at camp and not have a multitude of people (most of the time children) dependent on me taking care or them. Not that I don't have fun then too, it's just good to have a change of pace every now and then. On Saturday night, a conversation took place between 20 or so of the people that were also attending. Between listening to the Bama game, tending the fire, and, as Lindsey so eloquently put it, looking lost, I caught bits and pieces of it. I did sit and listen towards the end, where the topic was about whether there is a correct religious group that you should be apart of. Here are my thoughts:

Which religious organization is correct in their beliefs. Who, at the end of times, will God say, "Ok you guys got, you can come in. Sorry," looking at the of the people gathered around," you guys bet on the wrong horse. Hope you brought some shorts." Surely not. Whatever you believe, if it involves a god that is an asshole to others outside your system, then I can say with confidence two words: You're wrong. So back to the question: Who's got it right? Who's got everything figured out? Well, honestly, nobody. How easy it is to forget in a conversation like this that we are human. And by being human, we are "cursed" with the fact that we will probably never have it figured out, especially when it comes to God.

So now that that's out of the way, I guess we can stop asking all these theological questions now, right? We should just not have anymore discussions about why I believe this or why you believe that. There is no reason why we need to change what we believe now because it will be an endless cycle of us getting things wrong. God wants us to keep asking. He wants us to learn more and more about Him and grow closer and closer to Him. He understands that we can't and won't understand everything. Don't fret to much. Within the next 100 years everyone reading this will have seen God, and we'll have eternity to get our questions answered.

"...some of it's magic, some of it's tragic but I've had a good life all the way."

"Too Country. What's that?"

"Is it like too republican or too democrat? Is it too far to the left, or too far to the right? Too straight down the middle? Too black? Too white?"

I have found through my 21+ years of life that the best place for me to just sit and think are laying in bed, in the shower, and while cutting grass. Oddly enough, none of those involve sitting, but you catch my drift. This time, it was in the shower, and I was thinking about people.

One thing that draws me to being a priest is that I get to be around people. I get to be apart of communities both large and small. I get to laugh with them, cry with them. Have a shoulder for them when they need it, whether it be to cry on or hold them up after one of my killer jokes. Why being a priest is the best way for me to do this I have not been able to put in words yet, and may may not know my whole answer to that yet.

I believe in the shower this morning my brain got into a fight with itself. The two parts going at it were as follows:
1) One part of my brain understands concrete things. It is the one that knows every question has an answer, even if it takes years to find it. This part understands calculus, physics, and why water swirls the way is does when it goes down a drain. It would be a decent engineer
2) The other part of my brain is ok knowing that a lot of questions don't have answers. At least not answers that can be given in short answer form. This part knows God. It understands spontaneous actions, the bible, and the importance of both answered and unanswered prayers.

I got to thinking about people, particularly about bad things that people do. It then drifted towards how it must feel to be a parent of someone who does these things. To know that part of your dna is in someone that blew up a building, or hijacked a plane, or went on a killing spree. I know I would feel terrible if it were my child that did something of the sort. I decided this could also work for other things too, like Frankenstein or black licorice.

Here's where it gets interesting

Then I started thinking about how God created us, and in his image none the less. And God is supposedly infallible and all good. But if all that is true, then how did The Fall happen. Why, for the most part, have humans been in a downward spiral since the beginning. How could so many bad things come from something so good, so pure. I guess the saying's true- "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."

I guess that saying could be true, but then again I'm not talking about men, or even mice, for that matter. I'm talking about an all-powerful being, one that we as humans don't understand. The best way I could think to explain something like this is one
I read in a book called "The Andelite Chronicles." It's a prequel to the Animorph series. Imagine you exist on a piece of paper, and the only move on a 2D plane. Then someone comes along from above you. You would have little concept of what is happening of how that person came to be. I imagine that is how God is. He is somewhere where we as human being can barely grasp.

So how can bad things be created by good ideas. Who knows? But God is certainly not to blame. We may have opened several doors leading to bad things, but He is always there, calling us back, and waiting for us with unconditional love which we as humans may not be able to know the full depth of until we see Him again.

"Is honest and truth just not in demand? Too Country? I don't understand."

Why not be like fire?

If you know me, which I'm assuming you do, you're thinking, "Man, already he's already got fire all over the place in this thing." But not to worry, not all is as it appears. Let me explain.

I believe it my first year at Senior Camp at Camp McDowell and Tom Poyner was on program staff. On one particular day he was talking about the Holy Spirit, and how fire is often given as a symbol for it. I don't remember the whole talk he gave, but he "challenged" us, I guess you could say. "Why not be like fire? Why not be like the Holy spirit for the people around you?" So that's where that came from

So I refresh that challenge in myself, as well as pass it on to you. Why not be like fire? Why not be like the Holy Spirit, filling people with life and warmth? Go out and empower people and give them courage to empower others to do good in the world. To be a beacon for those in dark places. Speak in tongues to people who might not understand, whether they speak the same language or not. Why not be like fire?

Maybe I could get used to sermon writing. Who knows.